10 May 2014

What does it mean when love does not work

Have you experienced a painful breakup of a relationship and wondered what the meaning of it was.  I've always asked myself this question and was never able to give an answer.  Why, why, why, did it have to happen this way, why couldn't we have been together and enjoyed a happy, sharing, mutually nurturing, supportive, loving relationship.  Why? And in addition to the pain from the ending, there was a big cloud of questions over my head and my body, mind and heart were frustrated for not being able to give an answer.  Reflecting, analysing, analysing, analysing, dissecting moment after moment of the past, just to gain a glimpse of understanding why the dynamics developed in such a way so that we ended up separating. And that was peeling the layers of an onion.  Another insight and another insight would pop up but only after lots of thinking and feeling the pain cutting deep.  So on 22 January when the inevitable end happened I did all of the above and despite my best efforts - I did not manage to reach an understanding why one minute things were spectacularly good and another minute disastrous and how I have contributed to that.  I could tell straight away how he contributed to that, but I had no insight of my own influence of the outcome, absolutely none.  And I knew that was not the real truth - to blame one person, but I didn't understand what I was doing wrong.  Until today.  

Four emotionally dreadful months later,  I am emerging on an European Cycling Adventure, which inspires me and fuels me with desire.  A desire not to bond, and share and do all the nice things loved up people do, but a desire to be free, to do unplanned and unpredictable things, to not know what my next day will be, to learn new skills like sailing and touring on a bike,  to meet like-minded people, to have lots and lots of fun, to do impulsive things without a care in the world, to share myself with the world, not just with one person, to go with the flow, to say 'yes' to every new opportunity, to slow down and spot the opportunities (as before I was so focussed on him, he was the centre of my universe and everything else was ignored), to do as I please, without giving explanations, to enjoy participating in the unfolding of completely unknown life to me - of being more natural, less deliberate and controlling, more accepting, less micromanaging every minute of my daily routine and more being open to surprises, unexpected events, offers, possibilities.  Hey, this is the new me.  And this feels very very much like me.  But I was not like that in January and before.  I was a completely different person. And I look back and finally finally finally I understand.  The meaning of my relationship break up was to get me to this point.  Phew.  Four months of analysing, boring friends to death, and none of those discussions led to much.  Who I am today unfolded by itself, as a consequence to the emotional trauma, as a consequence to the tears, the heart beats, the shortness of breath and the pain in the heart.  Not as a result of the analysing and not as a result of setting new goals or drawing new plans of action.  It grew organically from within from the spirit and the heart.  It was a deep cutting pain and the spirit had to take charge and lead the way out of that mess and the way that is right for me.  

Today I realise that the destructive relationship had paved the way to the European cycling adventure. Today I realise that the meaning of the breakup was to get me to where I am now - looking forward to a new paradigm of living, creating a new paradigm of living.  Today I realise that 22 January which is still the worst day of my life,  has kick-started a momentum of the new paradigm and this momentum is now rolling at full speed. Today I realise that beneath the cultural layers of conditioning - a woman needs to be in a relationship to validate her existence, there is a big spirit inside which has been laying dormant for years but it got woken up by the brutality of the separation.  It was the Tower of the tarot.  It was traumatic, it was disastrous.  But it had made me awake.  Today I realise that I didn't know myself well enough.  I knew I wanted love and loving relationship and I still do.  But I didn't know of that deeper layer inside, a layer wanting to be free, not constrained within the boundaries of a relationship but more spaciousness around me, more friends, more like-minded people, as Tom Kaypacha calls it - seeking my tribe in his weekly Pele report 

I used to specialise in 1:1 intimacy but today I am a completely different person.  I want to be with the tribe, and for the first time in my life I have so many friends and contacts of good people.  

Today I realise that today has been my goal without me even knowing.

When we come to that point when love is not working, we can still go in the direction of the mind, it won't do harm to ignite the neurons and reach a few valuable insights.  But that would not be enough to make us understand why the breakup happened, what meaning and purpose our suffering holds.  

I woke up today wanting to go where the wind takes me, not to pre-book anything in advance, just to cycle till I drop and then sleep where I end up.  Today was the purpose and the meaning of the breakup.  

Shanti shanti

Louise Gylsen



  1. Hi Louise,

    My feeling in life is that all things work together for good. It appears you are experiencing this now through your ordeal. I firmly believe we learn more through adversity and how precious life is, every moment, when we go through terrible things. Not that I like to go through terrible things, but I can always extract a lesson, an enlightenment, or wisdom through my sufferings. I'd love to discuss this more, as well as your new passion for sailing. Please ping me if you see fit. Best RWC

    1. Hi Robert, yes it seems that suffering is the only way to polish the heart like the gold ore going through intense fire and water treatments until it becomes the high value gold. I clicked on your profile but did not see how to connect with you there. Join me at www.facebook.com/bilkaskincare for daily affirmations, uplifting and healing vibes. Louise.